Living with Regrets...and the New Year

On Wednesday, December 28th, my grandmother Eva suffered a severe stroke on the left temporal region of her brain. The morning started with my mom like any other...making coffee and talking to my grandma in the kitchen. My grandma told her she was going to go take her thyroid medication and went back to her room. My mom heard a noise and went to the bedroom and found my grandma slumped against the closet door on the floor.

My grandma has always been active. She is larger than life in my eyes. The week before and the several before that, she was doing water aerobics. She hasn't needed a cane, walker or wheelchair and has always seemed more like 91 years young than 91 years old. She has outlived 2 husbands, and 2 boyfriends. She lived with us when I was young and was at home when my sister and I used to get home from elementary school. She is the woman who taught me to swim and forced me to practice piano. "I don't hear any playing in there" she would scream from the other room if the piano was silent for more than 30 seconds.

Ironically, I had just seen my grandma the week before. I had gone to Vegas on my yearly girl's weekend. I had gotten to my mom's house late on Monday night and grandma was already in bed. The next morning, I got up to spend some time with her before catching a plane back home that afternoon. I sat in the recliner talking with her and simulatneously watching the news to try and catch information on a weather phenomenon that was passing over the midwest. "I should probably stop talking to you so you can watch your news" she said to me. Before I left, I remember giving her a hug and looking at her. Some voice in the back of my head told me "this is the last time your going to see her like this" and I just shook it off. After all, she is one of my constants in my life. She is the glue that keeps us all together and keeps us updated on all the relatives that are spread out. How could I have known?

The area of her brain that has been the most affected by the stroke so far seems to be speech. She can say some, but has trouble with words and putting them together. I keep going back to the moment of her telling me she should probably stop talking...and now I would give anything to be able to sit and talk with her like that. I have spent the last two days wishing I could have taken that time back and done it differently. So I'm going to do the second best thing I can think of.

My New Years resolution this year will be to always try and be present when I'm with someone. To stop and make sure I'm really looking at them, and being involved in the conversation. To let them know that them being there, talking with me, is the most important thing to me in that moment. I can't take that moment back, but I can learn from my mistakes...

Innocence Lost?

I was driving down the street with both kids after school today. Suddenly, one of my kids asked who made guns. I said that a lot of different companies did. Kylee said she wished that there wouldn't be any guns made so that nobody would die from them. The conversation then turned to the people at war and how they could die from the guns. Kade said he wanted to be an army man, but decided he didn't want to because he didn't want someone to shoot him.

Call me strange, but I don't remember this being a normal conversation when I was little. I wonder if this is going to be the era that my kids grow up in? Does this mean we have lost the naivete of feeling safe, and they will grow up living with several wars? Both kids as long as they have been alive, we have either been fighting in Afghanistan or Iraq. I know it affects my children. I can only imagine those children and families of those who serve. I don't know if I agree with Kylee that I wish there weren't any guns. I guess I just wish there weren't those who were willing to use them against us. I wish to go back to the time Pre-Sept 11th. I want my children to experience that.

Time

Where has the time gone?? Why doesn't there ever seem to be enough of it. I PROMISE I will get better at this blogging thing again. I have so many great stories that I never get down..and I know I'm going to end up kicking myself later.

So, I leave with one Kadeism: (when deciding what we were going to watch on TV and asked about Starstruck) "No...I don't want to watch that. That is about a girl liking a boy. Unacceptable."

New Year

I wish I could say I'm going to be better about blogging this year. I try...but lots of times, I'm too busy living. On the brighter side, 2011 will be full of changes. We are moving to Tulsa, OK...so I'm sure, I will have a lot to say this year. Or just think about saying while I'm trying to keep up!

Happy New Years! Here's to a great 2011!

Could be some of the best comments to date...

Getting on airplane...

Guy scanning boarding pass: "have a nice day."
Kade: (tapping guy's arm) "You have a nice day too."

Then walking down jetway flying Southwest... (and this story convinces me she is mine)

Kylee: "What seats are we in?"
Me: "We can sit in any seats we want."
Kylee: "Really? Where do you want to sit?"
Me: "I was thinking you two would sit in front and I can sit in back."
Kylee: "You can't do that."
Me: "Who says I want to sit with you guys?"
Kylee: "Who says we want to sit with you and your grouchy attitude."

Well, now that we got that straight...

Me: "Your really cute, you know that?"
Kade: "yup"
Me: "Do you practice that?"
Kade:"Practice what?"
Me: "Practice being cute."
Kade: "No, I practice my letters, I'm already cute."

This is why dad's don't do homework

Kade: We are going to do the letter B. We have to have a picture for the letter B.
Me: Can you think of things that start with the letter B?
Daddy: Boobies...boobies start with B.