My grandma has always been active. She is larger than life in my eyes. The week before and the several before that, she was doing water aerobics. She hasn't needed a cane, walker or wheelchair and has always seemed more like 91 years young than 91 years old. She has outlived 2 husbands, and 2 boyfriends. She lived with us when I was young and was at home when my sister and I used to get home from elementary school. She is the woman who taught me to swim and forced me to practice piano. "I don't hear any playing in there" she would scream from the other room if the piano was silent for more than 30 seconds.
Ironically, I had just seen my grandma the week before. I had gone to Vegas on my yearly girl's weekend. I had gotten to my mom's house late on Monday night and grandma was already in bed. The next morning, I got up to spend some time with her before catching a plane back home that afternoon. I sat in the recliner talking with her and simulatneously watching the news to try and catch information on a weather phenomenon that was passing over the midwest. "I should probably stop talking to you so you can watch your news" she said to me. Before I left, I remember giving her a hug and looking at her. Some voice in the back of my head told me "this is the last time your going to see her like this" and I just shook it off. After all, she is one of my constants in my life. She is the glue that keeps us all together and keeps us updated on all the relatives that are spread out. How could I have known?
The area of her brain that has been the most affected by the stroke so far seems to be speech. She can say some, but has trouble with words and putting them together. I keep going back to the moment of her telling me she should probably stop talking...and now I would give anything to be able to sit and talk with her like that. I have spent the last two days wishing I could have taken that time back and done it differently. So I'm going to do the second best thing I can think of.
My New Years resolution this year will be to always try and be present when I'm with someone. To stop and make sure I'm really looking at them, and being involved in the conversation. To let them know that them being there, talking with me, is the most important thing to me in that moment. I can't take that moment back, but I can learn from my mistakes...